Deployment 1: duration 12 months: 2005 - 2006

Trust is the hardest thing in the world to gain, but also the easiest thing in the world to lose.......

So I had 3 months to proccess ( in my case DENY) the fact that my husband was going to war. Now most people would consider that time a joyous time, spending as much time as you can with your soldier. Not me, I was bitter. Not only did I give birth 12 days prior to him leaving, was healing from a surgery, was dealing with postpartum depression, having extended family there up until 2 days before he left I was at my wits end!!

I to this day can still feel the deep sinking feeling in my chest that made it almost impossible to breathe. If your military you know what I mean, for those of you who don't, don't even try because it would never come close to the feeling of watching your soldier load up on that white bus. Not knowing if it was the last kiss you would ever share, holding hands for the last time, sharing your life with your best friend..........that had all been taken away from me. I thought the world was over. But I still had my son 1 1/2 and my daughter 2 weeks old. I didn't think I could be a parent alone, so what did I do?? Made the same mistake 90% of young wives of deployed soldiers makes............went home to Mom & Dad. I packed up, my mom flew in, and we flew out to Cali the same day. I lasted 20 days with my parents and remembered why I had moved to begin with. (No offense mom & dad) I just realized that once you leave home, you can never go home as an adult, much less a new parent. You are at a stage where you feel they are trying to take over your parenting and everything you do seems to be wrong. So I asked my mom to watch my kids, I flew back to killeen, got my 2005 dodge grand caravan, filled the tank and drove from home to my parents house, it was about 1500 miles.

I arrived, packed my belongings that I had brought and purchased, loaded the van, got the kids buckled in nice and tight. Hugged my parents goodbye and I drove all the way back to our home. I have not been back to see my parents since, they have not come out here to see them either, its been 6 years.

I got home, tired, opened the front door and collapsed in sadness, crying harder than i have ever cried. My house was empty, my soldier wasn't there waiting for me. I was alone (I mean I had the kids) litteraly. It took me a couple months to get everything into a routine and everything seemed to be going well. I started meeting other moms with kids and we would all take turns babysitting back and forth for each other.

There was alot of tension between my husband and I, we were not communicating, hurtful things were being said, I accused him of cheating on me with Stephanie, a mutual close friend. He was always with her, would walk her to her trailer at night, eat together, workout together and suspicions began to arise. I would ask him if he was cheating, he denied anything, but in my heart I knew he had. You know the feeling that only a woman gets??? I had it.....

The rest of the deployment went down hill from March till he got home in Oct. I betrayed my husband by laying with another man. I (rationally) in MY mind I thought that if I cheated on him, he would come clean about cheating on me..........FUCKING STUPID!!!! It back fired on me,   I had very erratic behavior,excessive drinking, ridiculous reckless spending. Our bank account went from $50,000 to $12,000 in less than 6 months. I immediately felt guily and VERY sorry for everything I did that hurt him. I did not get the results I was hoping for. All I did was shame myself by becoming one in the stereotype that ALL military wives cheat. I hurt my husband beyond expression. I thought I had seriously just ended my marriage. We separated for approximately a month. We spent our 3rd year anniversary apart. We filed for divorce, went to court a couple times. Then one day we sat down together and talked, alot. We reconciled everything after I agreed to get treatment and enjoyed spending Thanksgiving 2006 together.


From my husband I was expecting to be belittled, yelled at, reminded everyday that I fucked up, anything just to make my life miserable. But I got NONE of that from him. Our relationship grew closer and closer and closer. We spent every minute off work together. I was baffled by his reaction, or lack there of. He knew there was something wrong with me, mentally. my mood instability, the depression, anxiety........he saw it all. I needed help.........

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