My Traumatic Story of my 1st Sexual Assult

Boise Idaho 1984
Location: Apartment Complex that was my home


I was born in Feb 1982 to my parents that were unwed. They decided to get married when I was 6 months old. I do not remember infancy, but my memories begin before I turned 1. Hard to believe but its true, I can describe the house that we lived in, my first steps at my then grandmothers house. Not many people can remember that far back and to be honest, i wish I couldn't given the events that I am about to speak of. No child should ever experience this:

Well i had turned one, and remember there was always alot of yelling going on between my mom and my dad. Shortly after, I remember my dad leaving. He moved so he could find better work to support my mom and I. I remember going to work with him at some sort of garage/metal warehouse type building ( it was huge to me) and then after that day with him, it would be 4 years before I saw him again. He found out that my mom was cheating on him with the man directly across from our front door in the apartment complex. I had not met him yet. I missed my daddy. My mother began working a full time job with a large brand name company, at first I we tagged along and allowed to run around the warehouse until it was time to go home. Soon after that I went to daycare. day in day out was the same for about 2 months. My mom had been spending alot of time with the man across the hall. His name is Pablo. I finally met him, he was to be my new babysitter, as a favor to my mom ( who was fucking him) From day one I didn't like him. He always smelled, his house was smelly, but on the other hand, his 3 kids were really nice. Now mind you we lived in 2bedroom apartments. So all 3 kids, 2 boys (older) and his daughter younger all slept in the same room in the same bed! In my moms apartment I had my own room and would always run in and get in her bed. It didnt take long and we ended up moving in with him and his 3 kids. Life as i knew it was over. I went from my room, to sleeping on a stinky, pee soaked double mattress with no sheets. I shared it with his daughter, while the boys shared another double mattress. there was no privacy. Mind you I was 2 now i wasnt too worried about privacy. It began a routine that my mom would leave for work, his kids went to school and in the end it was just Pablo and I. I guess he got bored and figured he would do as he pleased.

He called me into their room, and he was sitting on the side of his water bed wearing nothing but underwear and socks. He told me not to be scared that he wasn't going to hurt me, he just wanted me to help him do something. I was a very happy child and smiled and giggled alot. I knew nothing of fear, danger, right or wrong. I WAS 2!! I slowly walked over to him and he asked me if i was scared and replied "no". He asked me to get on my knees and use my hand to play with his "BoyToy" thats what he told me it was. I did as I was told and was scared when the soft flesh in my tiny hands had grown hard and it stood up all by itself. I thought it was a game. He then asked me to kiss it, lick it, and try to suck on it like i would my bottle, again I did as I was told. Very soon after doing this he told me to stop and I watched this white stuff come out of the end of it. I thought it was funny (remember I was 2) after he cleaned up and wiped it off, he told me that that game was only for him and I and that my mommy couldn't know about it, and I couldn't tell ANYONE. I kept my secret. After testing the waters with if i would tell, about a week passed and then he began to do it on a daily basis. i was getting older and I didnt want to do it anymore, so I told him no. He walked me into his room sat me on his bed and went to his closet, he then turned around and I saw what I associated was a water gun...........he pressed the barrel of the gun to my head and told me that if I ever told anyone he would KILL ME. I was so scared. I complied with him after that. It escalated from giving him what I now know is a blow job, to his friends coming over. I was made to lay on the couch with nothing on and my legs wide open ( now I'm 4) and the 4 different men began touching me where I went to go potty. They would touch (roughly) and would stick their fingers inside of me and it really hurt!! That lasted about a year........and my "mother" was NEVER around.

I was scheduled to go visit my Dad in CA. I stepped foot on the plane at the age of 5 not knowing that it was the last time I would ever see Pablo or my "mother"

I was supposed to go back, but my "mother" called and asked if my Dad would keep me longer.......He gladly agreed. I was now living with my Dad and his new wife in a huge house with lots of animals, I had never seen an animal before!! My stepmother became the woman I call my mother

As for my biological "mother" I never saw her again or heard from her again until I was 21, pregnant,& with my husband. My Aunt wanted to have dinner and so we agreed to drive from Fairbanks Alaska down to Anchorage Alaska which was about a 4 hour drive. We arrived and for the first time since I was 5, I saw my biological mother. I told her of the abuse, she told me that it never happened and I was just trying to get attention. I was fucking 2 ya dumb bitch. I asked her if she knew about it and she slapped me across the face.

I told my mom and dad what happened and they tried to do everything they could to prosecute Pablo but because it took me so many years to tell them, the statue of limitations had run out. He walked free. No consequences.

That being, I will not call him a man, took my innocence from me and robbed me of trust. the foundation on which ALL relationships are based. Its no wonder my relationships don't work. I trust NO ONE, but myself.

My husband is paying the consequences of what he did to me. Sex is difficult, mentally it has blocked the want for sex. Thanks to my wonderful husband, who knows everything about me, I am able to let it out. There is help out there, don't be a silent victim like i was. Be proactive. Take charge of your life and your body, let NO MAN or WOMAN hurt you.

Until the early 1970s child sexual abuse was thought to be rare, and centered among the poor. Experts now agree that child sexual abuse has always occurred and still exists in all socio-economic groups. Increased public awareness has led to greater reporting; from 1970 to 1990, child sexual abuse reports increased more than other categories of neglect or abuse.Despite this gain, child sexual abuse still remains vastly under-reported.Sexual abuse can include fondling, genital exposure, intimate kissing, forced masturbation oral, penile or digital penetration of the mouth, vagina or anus. Child prostitution, pornography and cult (or "ritual") abuse are specific activities also included in the definition.1 Incest is sexual abuse where the offender is a family member.
Sexual abuse occurs in rural, urban and suburban areas and among all ethnic, racial and socioeconomic groups. A recent Department of Justice report found that half of the women who reported rapes in 1992 were under the age of 18, 16 percent were under 12.

Most children are abused by someone they know and trust, although boys are more likely than girls to be abused outside of the family.A study in three states found 96 percent of reported rape survivors under age 12 knew the attacker. Four percent of the offenders were strangers, 20 percent were fathers 16 percent were relatives and 50 percent were acquaintances or friends. Among women 18 or older, 12 percent were raped by a family member, 33 percent by a stranger and 55 percent by an acquaintance.

Abuse typically occurs within a long-term, on-going relationship between the offender and victim, escalates over time and lasts an average of four years.3,5 Offenders often develop a relationship with a targeted victim for months before beginning the abused 3 Sexual abuse often occurs in successive generations of the same family.2 In non-familial child abduction, one study found two-thirds of reported cases involved sexual assault.

In up to 50 percent of reported cases, offenders are adolescents. In 82 percent of accusations recently studied the accused offender was a heterosexual partner of a close relative of the child. Researchers estimate that between 96 to 100 percent of accused abusers are recognizably heterosexual. Another study found that almost half of offending fathers and stepfathers also abused children outside their family.

Children are most vulnerable between ages eight-12.The average age for first abuse is 9.9 years for boys and 9.6 years for girls. Victimization occurs before age eight in over 20 percent of the cases. Another study found 24 percent of female child sexual abuse survivors were first abused at age five or younger.

Estimates of child sexual abuse rates vary for many reasons. Less than 10 percent of set abuse is reported to the policed. Definitions of both abuse and the age of maturity affect frequency rates. Protective services only record reported cases and typically focus on inner family abuse, thus excluding non-caretakers.
Even in self-reporting surveys, abuse may be underreported because many people are afraid or ashamed to reveal victimization, have repressed memories of abuse, refuse to participate in studies or deny that what happened was "real" abuse.
The National Resource Council estimates the percent of the U.S. population which has been sexually abused to range from a low of 20-24 percent to a high of 54-62 percent of the population.

PLEASE SPEAK UP!!! Help yourself by telling. I have been in therapy for YEARS, my current thrapist is 3 days a week at an hour and a half sessions......you cant do it alone. Please relate to me, talk to me, message me, I've been where you are. Take the first step........

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