This is another traumatic event in my life. I decided after high school that I wasn't ready for college, given I had lived a very sheltered and controlled life. I wanted to get out and do something big. So I joined the Army as a EMT. My first duty station was Fort Wainwright, in Fairbanks Alaska. I arrived in July 2001, signed in late on a Friday so not many people were around. But the NCOIC at the time welcomed me, we made small talk and he asked if I had plans for dinner? I didnt as I had just signed in for my barracks room. He said bring a change of clothes, So i agreed to go have dinner with a GROUP of his friends. We stopped by the bank, store, and then we were at his house, he said he just needed to grab something and to wait in the truck. I did. He came out and told me that there was a message on his machine that the guys bailed cause their wives pitched a fit. So it was just him and I. He seemed really cool, friendly and I never suspected anything. We had chinese food for dinner and then he asked me if I wanted to see something cool, I said sure. He blind folded me, led me up stairs, we walked a little ways and then made a turn into what was his bedroom, he said no peeking, dont take the blindfold off he'd be right back. So I just stood there.........
What seemed to be hours, I took the blindfold off and realized I was in his bedroom. I went for the door and it was locked, the sun had gone down by now and i panicked. Started BEATING on the door and nothing, so i sat there till he came back. When he came back he had a deli plate and a glass of water, I asked him why he locked me in there and he said that the door sometimes gets stuck. I stood up to leave, realizing I didnt know where I was as I had just gotten off the plane 12 hrs ago. I asked him to take me home. He said he would after I ate the sandwich and drank my water. Eager to go home. I did as requested.
After that, the lights went out, I had fallen asleep. He drugged me with a roofie.
I remember as my body was being moved and shifted I saw two faces, not one, he wasnt alone and then i was out. That was after 10:00pm friday, I didnt wake up till sunday. I had breif moments my eye lids would slant open, I saw him on top of me, back out, woke up again saw a man i had never seen before over me and i was out....
I awoke Sunday with my arms and legs tied to the bed, one on each bed post. I was naked. I SCREAMED and he came running in, told me to calm down and that he would not untie me until i made an agreement that I would not say anything to anyone. I said I want my clothes, he said I can have the CLEAN set I brought with me. My other clothes were gone.
I agreed. I got dressed, he drove me back to the barracks and told me. "See you tomorrow" and drove away.
I was so alone, I knew no one.
Monday came, He was there as well as the other man that was there. Turns out both were NCO's that were in my new chain of command. One was my platoon SGT. the other my Squad Leader. The next two years were hell.
Once again my TRUST was taken by those who were my authority figures
For those of you that have lived through this experience, what was it like to start having sex again? Did you ever panic or have a flashback in the middle of the act? Then those of you that are in the same position I am, don't fret to message me. :)
Also, have you ever had such a high level of sexual chemistry with someone after your rape? It's really confusing for me. It's like my heart wants to dive for it but my head keeps shooting back images of my rapist, and also my stepfather, who I trusted. How did you trust again?
A week later I met my husband.............life has been great since but I still carry the heavy burden of what 3 men have done to me. I still feel violated.....
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
My Traumatic Story of my 1st Sexual Assult
Boise Idaho 1984
Location: Apartment Complex that was my home
I was born in Feb 1982 to my parents that were unwed. They decided to get married when I was 6 months old. I do not remember infancy, but my memories begin before I turned 1. Hard to believe but its true, I can describe the house that we lived in, my first steps at my then grandmothers house. Not many people can remember that far back and to be honest, i wish I couldn't given the events that I am about to speak of. No child should ever experience this:
Well i had turned one, and remember there was always alot of yelling going on between my mom and my dad. Shortly after, I remember my dad leaving. He moved so he could find better work to support my mom and I. I remember going to work with him at some sort of garage/metal warehouse type building ( it was huge to me) and then after that day with him, it would be 4 years before I saw him again. He found out that my mom was cheating on him with the man directly across from our front door in the apartment complex. I had not met him yet. I missed my daddy. My mother began working a full time job with a large brand name company, at first I we tagged along and allowed to run around the warehouse until it was time to go home. Soon after that I went to daycare. day in day out was the same for about 2 months. My mom had been spending alot of time with the man across the hall. His name is Pablo. I finally met him, he was to be my new babysitter, as a favor to my mom ( who was fucking him) From day one I didn't like him. He always smelled, his house was smelly, but on the other hand, his 3 kids were really nice. Now mind you we lived in 2bedroom apartments. So all 3 kids, 2 boys (older) and his daughter younger all slept in the same room in the same bed! In my moms apartment I had my own room and would always run in and get in her bed. It didnt take long and we ended up moving in with him and his 3 kids. Life as i knew it was over. I went from my room, to sleeping on a stinky, pee soaked double mattress with no sheets. I shared it with his daughter, while the boys shared another double mattress. there was no privacy. Mind you I was 2 now i wasnt too worried about privacy. It began a routine that my mom would leave for work, his kids went to school and in the end it was just Pablo and I. I guess he got bored and figured he would do as he pleased.
He called me into their room, and he was sitting on the side of his water bed wearing nothing but underwear and socks. He told me not to be scared that he wasn't going to hurt me, he just wanted me to help him do something. I was a very happy child and smiled and giggled alot. I knew nothing of fear, danger, right or wrong. I WAS 2!! I slowly walked over to him and he asked me if i was scared and replied "no". He asked me to get on my knees and use my hand to play with his "BoyToy" thats what he told me it was. I did as I was told and was scared when the soft flesh in my tiny hands had grown hard and it stood up all by itself. I thought it was a game. He then asked me to kiss it, lick it, and try to suck on it like i would my bottle, again I did as I was told. Very soon after doing this he told me to stop and I watched this white stuff come out of the end of it. I thought it was funny (remember I was 2) after he cleaned up and wiped it off, he told me that that game was only for him and I and that my mommy couldn't know about it, and I couldn't tell ANYONE. I kept my secret. After testing the waters with if i would tell, about a week passed and then he began to do it on a daily basis. i was getting older and I didnt want to do it anymore, so I told him no. He walked me into his room sat me on his bed and went to his closet, he then turned around and I saw what I associated was a water gun...........he pressed the barrel of the gun to my head and told me that if I ever told anyone he would KILL ME. I was so scared. I complied with him after that. It escalated from giving him what I now know is a blow job, to his friends coming over. I was made to lay on the couch with nothing on and my legs wide open ( now I'm 4) and the 4 different men began touching me where I went to go potty. They would touch (roughly) and would stick their fingers inside of me and it really hurt!! That lasted about a year........and my "mother" was NEVER around.
I was scheduled to go visit my Dad in CA. I stepped foot on the plane at the age of 5 not knowing that it was the last time I would ever see Pablo or my "mother"
I was supposed to go back, but my "mother" called and asked if my Dad would keep me longer.......He gladly agreed. I was now living with my Dad and his new wife in a huge house with lots of animals, I had never seen an animal before!! My stepmother became the woman I call my mother
As for my biological "mother" I never saw her again or heard from her again until I was 21, pregnant,& with my husband. My Aunt wanted to have dinner and so we agreed to drive from Fairbanks Alaska down to Anchorage Alaska which was about a 4 hour drive. We arrived and for the first time since I was 5, I saw my biological mother. I told her of the abuse, she told me that it never happened and I was just trying to get attention. I was fucking 2 ya dumb bitch. I asked her if she knew about it and she slapped me across the face.
I told my mom and dad what happened and they tried to do everything they could to prosecute Pablo but because it took me so many years to tell them, the statue of limitations had run out. He walked free. No consequences.
That being, I will not call him a man, took my innocence from me and robbed me of trust. the foundation on which ALL relationships are based. Its no wonder my relationships don't work. I trust NO ONE, but myself.
My husband is paying the consequences of what he did to me. Sex is difficult, mentally it has blocked the want for sex. Thanks to my wonderful husband, who knows everything about me, I am able to let it out. There is help out there, don't be a silent victim like i was. Be proactive. Take charge of your life and your body, let NO MAN or WOMAN hurt you.
Until the early 1970s child sexual abuse was thought to be rare, and centered among the poor. Experts now agree that child sexual abuse has always occurred and still exists in all socio-economic groups. Increased public awareness has led to greater reporting; from 1970 to 1990, child sexual abuse reports increased more than other categories of neglect or abuse.Despite this gain, child sexual abuse still remains vastly under-reported.Sexual abuse can include fondling, genital exposure, intimate kissing, forced masturbation oral, penile or digital penetration of the mouth, vagina or anus. Child prostitution, pornography and cult (or "ritual") abuse are specific activities also included in the definition.1 Incest is sexual abuse where the offender is a family member.
Sexual abuse occurs in rural, urban and suburban areas and among all ethnic, racial and socioeconomic groups. A recent Department of Justice report found that half of the women who reported rapes in 1992 were under the age of 18, 16 percent were under 12.
Most children are abused by someone they know and trust, although boys are more likely than girls to be abused outside of the family.A study in three states found 96 percent of reported rape survivors under age 12 knew the attacker. Four percent of the offenders were strangers, 20 percent were fathers 16 percent were relatives and 50 percent were acquaintances or friends. Among women 18 or older, 12 percent were raped by a family member, 33 percent by a stranger and 55 percent by an acquaintance.
Abuse typically occurs within a long-term, on-going relationship between the offender and victim, escalates over time and lasts an average of four years.3,5 Offenders often develop a relationship with a targeted victim for months before beginning the abused 3 Sexual abuse often occurs in successive generations of the same family.2 In non-familial child abduction, one study found two-thirds of reported cases involved sexual assault.
In up to 50 percent of reported cases, offenders are adolescents. In 82 percent of accusations recently studied the accused offender was a heterosexual partner of a close relative of the child. Researchers estimate that between 96 to 100 percent of accused abusers are recognizably heterosexual. Another study found that almost half of offending fathers and stepfathers also abused children outside their family.
Children are most vulnerable between ages eight-12.The average age for first abuse is 9.9 years for boys and 9.6 years for girls. Victimization occurs before age eight in over 20 percent of the cases. Another study found 24 percent of female child sexual abuse survivors were first abused at age five or younger.
Estimates of child sexual abuse rates vary for many reasons. Less than 10 percent of set abuse is reported to the policed. Definitions of both abuse and the age of maturity affect frequency rates. Protective services only record reported cases and typically focus on inner family abuse, thus excluding non-caretakers.
Even in self-reporting surveys, abuse may be underreported because many people are afraid or ashamed to reveal victimization, have repressed memories of abuse, refuse to participate in studies or deny that what happened was "real" abuse.
The National Resource Council estimates the percent of the U.S. population which has been sexually abused to range from a low of 20-24 percent to a high of 54-62 percent of the population.
PLEASE SPEAK UP!!! Help yourself by telling. I have been in therapy for YEARS, my current thrapist is 3 days a week at an hour and a half sessions......you cant do it alone. Please relate to me, talk to me, message me, I've been where you are. Take the first step........
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
Location: Apartment Complex that was my home
I was born in Feb 1982 to my parents that were unwed. They decided to get married when I was 6 months old. I do not remember infancy, but my memories begin before I turned 1. Hard to believe but its true, I can describe the house that we lived in, my first steps at my then grandmothers house. Not many people can remember that far back and to be honest, i wish I couldn't given the events that I am about to speak of. No child should ever experience this:
Well i had turned one, and remember there was always alot of yelling going on between my mom and my dad. Shortly after, I remember my dad leaving. He moved so he could find better work to support my mom and I. I remember going to work with him at some sort of garage/metal warehouse type building ( it was huge to me) and then after that day with him, it would be 4 years before I saw him again. He found out that my mom was cheating on him with the man directly across from our front door in the apartment complex. I had not met him yet. I missed my daddy. My mother began working a full time job with a large brand name company, at first I we tagged along and allowed to run around the warehouse until it was time to go home. Soon after that I went to daycare. day in day out was the same for about 2 months. My mom had been spending alot of time with the man across the hall. His name is Pablo. I finally met him, he was to be my new babysitter, as a favor to my mom ( who was fucking him) From day one I didn't like him. He always smelled, his house was smelly, but on the other hand, his 3 kids were really nice. Now mind you we lived in 2bedroom apartments. So all 3 kids, 2 boys (older) and his daughter younger all slept in the same room in the same bed! In my moms apartment I had my own room and would always run in and get in her bed. It didnt take long and we ended up moving in with him and his 3 kids. Life as i knew it was over. I went from my room, to sleeping on a stinky, pee soaked double mattress with no sheets. I shared it with his daughter, while the boys shared another double mattress. there was no privacy. Mind you I was 2 now i wasnt too worried about privacy. It began a routine that my mom would leave for work, his kids went to school and in the end it was just Pablo and I. I guess he got bored and figured he would do as he pleased.
He called me into their room, and he was sitting on the side of his water bed wearing nothing but underwear and socks. He told me not to be scared that he wasn't going to hurt me, he just wanted me to help him do something. I was a very happy child and smiled and giggled alot. I knew nothing of fear, danger, right or wrong. I WAS 2!! I slowly walked over to him and he asked me if i was scared and replied "no". He asked me to get on my knees and use my hand to play with his "BoyToy" thats what he told me it was. I did as I was told and was scared when the soft flesh in my tiny hands had grown hard and it stood up all by itself. I thought it was a game. He then asked me to kiss it, lick it, and try to suck on it like i would my bottle, again I did as I was told. Very soon after doing this he told me to stop and I watched this white stuff come out of the end of it. I thought it was funny (remember I was 2) after he cleaned up and wiped it off, he told me that that game was only for him and I and that my mommy couldn't know about it, and I couldn't tell ANYONE. I kept my secret. After testing the waters with if i would tell, about a week passed and then he began to do it on a daily basis. i was getting older and I didnt want to do it anymore, so I told him no. He walked me into his room sat me on his bed and went to his closet, he then turned around and I saw what I associated was a water gun...........he pressed the barrel of the gun to my head and told me that if I ever told anyone he would KILL ME. I was so scared. I complied with him after that. It escalated from giving him what I now know is a blow job, to his friends coming over. I was made to lay on the couch with nothing on and my legs wide open ( now I'm 4) and the 4 different men began touching me where I went to go potty. They would touch (roughly) and would stick their fingers inside of me and it really hurt!! That lasted about a year........and my "mother" was NEVER around.
I was scheduled to go visit my Dad in CA. I stepped foot on the plane at the age of 5 not knowing that it was the last time I would ever see Pablo or my "mother"
I was supposed to go back, but my "mother" called and asked if my Dad would keep me longer.......He gladly agreed. I was now living with my Dad and his new wife in a huge house with lots of animals, I had never seen an animal before!! My stepmother became the woman I call my mother
As for my biological "mother" I never saw her again or heard from her again until I was 21, pregnant,& with my husband. My Aunt wanted to have dinner and so we agreed to drive from Fairbanks Alaska down to Anchorage Alaska which was about a 4 hour drive. We arrived and for the first time since I was 5, I saw my biological mother. I told her of the abuse, she told me that it never happened and I was just trying to get attention. I was fucking 2 ya dumb bitch. I asked her if she knew about it and she slapped me across the face.
I told my mom and dad what happened and they tried to do everything they could to prosecute Pablo but because it took me so many years to tell them, the statue of limitations had run out. He walked free. No consequences.
That being, I will not call him a man, took my innocence from me and robbed me of trust. the foundation on which ALL relationships are based. Its no wonder my relationships don't work. I trust NO ONE, but myself.
My husband is paying the consequences of what he did to me. Sex is difficult, mentally it has blocked the want for sex. Thanks to my wonderful husband, who knows everything about me, I am able to let it out. There is help out there, don't be a silent victim like i was. Be proactive. Take charge of your life and your body, let NO MAN or WOMAN hurt you.
Until the early 1970s child sexual abuse was thought to be rare, and centered among the poor. Experts now agree that child sexual abuse has always occurred and still exists in all socio-economic groups. Increased public awareness has led to greater reporting; from 1970 to 1990, child sexual abuse reports increased more than other categories of neglect or abuse.Despite this gain, child sexual abuse still remains vastly under-reported.Sexual abuse can include fondling, genital exposure, intimate kissing, forced masturbation oral, penile or digital penetration of the mouth, vagina or anus. Child prostitution, pornography and cult (or "ritual") abuse are specific activities also included in the definition.1 Incest is sexual abuse where the offender is a family member.
Sexual abuse occurs in rural, urban and suburban areas and among all ethnic, racial and socioeconomic groups. A recent Department of Justice report found that half of the women who reported rapes in 1992 were under the age of 18, 16 percent were under 12.
Most children are abused by someone they know and trust, although boys are more likely than girls to be abused outside of the family.A study in three states found 96 percent of reported rape survivors under age 12 knew the attacker. Four percent of the offenders were strangers, 20 percent were fathers 16 percent were relatives and 50 percent were acquaintances or friends. Among women 18 or older, 12 percent were raped by a family member, 33 percent by a stranger and 55 percent by an acquaintance.
Abuse typically occurs within a long-term, on-going relationship between the offender and victim, escalates over time and lasts an average of four years.3,5 Offenders often develop a relationship with a targeted victim for months before beginning the abused 3 Sexual abuse often occurs in successive generations of the same family.2 In non-familial child abduction, one study found two-thirds of reported cases involved sexual assault.
In up to 50 percent of reported cases, offenders are adolescents. In 82 percent of accusations recently studied the accused offender was a heterosexual partner of a close relative of the child. Researchers estimate that between 96 to 100 percent of accused abusers are recognizably heterosexual. Another study found that almost half of offending fathers and stepfathers also abused children outside their family.
Children are most vulnerable between ages eight-12.The average age for first abuse is 9.9 years for boys and 9.6 years for girls. Victimization occurs before age eight in over 20 percent of the cases. Another study found 24 percent of female child sexual abuse survivors were first abused at age five or younger.
Estimates of child sexual abuse rates vary for many reasons. Less than 10 percent of set abuse is reported to the policed. Definitions of both abuse and the age of maturity affect frequency rates. Protective services only record reported cases and typically focus on inner family abuse, thus excluding non-caretakers.
Even in self-reporting surveys, abuse may be underreported because many people are afraid or ashamed to reveal victimization, have repressed memories of abuse, refuse to participate in studies or deny that what happened was "real" abuse.
The National Resource Council estimates the percent of the U.S. population which has been sexually abused to range from a low of 20-24 percent to a high of 54-62 percent of the population.
PLEASE SPEAK UP!!! Help yourself by telling. I have been in therapy for YEARS, my current thrapist is 3 days a week at an hour and a half sessions......you cant do it alone. Please relate to me, talk to me, message me, I've been where you are. Take the first step........
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
The Caffine Highway
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Caffeine is one of the most, if not the most, commonly consumed drugs among humans. A 2005 extensive survey found that 87% of Americans consume caffeine regularly, with an average intake of 193 mg per day.
The most common sources of caffeine are coffee (71%), soft drinks (16%), and tea (12%). Other sources include chocolate, over-the-counter medications (like headache or cold medications), and dietary supplements. Caffeine derives from the coffee bean, cocoa bean, kola bean, and the guarana fruit.
I am not trying to be down on caffeine, just report the research. This research also shows that caffeine is generally safe, and while it does increase blood pressure (a risk factor for heart disease) caffeine is not an independent risk factor for heart disease itself. There is also evidence that regular caffeine use (perhaps just coffee use) decreases the risk of Type 2 diabetes. Pregnant women should avoid caffeine because of potential effects on fetal growth and spontaneous abortion. Migraneurs should also avoid caffeine as it can worsen a migraine syndrome. Meanwhile, regular caffeine use (even without withdrawal) can increase blood pressure, worsen headaches, cause palpitations, insomnia, and jitteriness. Intermittent use can also increase anxiety, although this study showed regular users become tolerant to this effect.But if you do not have any specific medical condition that caffeine can exacerbate, regular moderate caffeine use appears to be safe. Just don’t fool yourself into thinking it is helping you stay alert or function better.
I'll never give up my Pepsi Max lol
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
The most common sources of caffeine are coffee (71%), soft drinks (16%), and tea (12%). Other sources include chocolate, over-the-counter medications (like headache or cold medications), and dietary supplements. Caffeine derives from the coffee bean, cocoa bean, kola bean, and the guarana fruit.
I am not trying to be down on caffeine, just report the research. This research also shows that caffeine is generally safe, and while it does increase blood pressure (a risk factor for heart disease) caffeine is not an independent risk factor for heart disease itself. There is also evidence that regular caffeine use (perhaps just coffee use) decreases the risk of Type 2 diabetes. Pregnant women should avoid caffeine because of potential effects on fetal growth and spontaneous abortion. Migraneurs should also avoid caffeine as it can worsen a migraine syndrome. Meanwhile, regular caffeine use (even without withdrawal) can increase blood pressure, worsen headaches, cause palpitations, insomnia, and jitteriness. Intermittent use can also increase anxiety, although this study showed regular users become tolerant to this effect.But if you do not have any specific medical condition that caffeine can exacerbate, regular moderate caffeine use appears to be safe. Just don’t fool yourself into thinking it is helping you stay alert or function better.
I'll never give up my Pepsi Max lol
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
How I feel Right Now BEHIND the smile
Through the window the lemonade sun tries to push through the blinds I have no need for daylight upon my face or to venture outdoors My heart is captured with the overbearing sadness I am glad to hide Don’t see me Don’t feel me. Nothing can comfort this aching I just want to evaporate into the air And not apprehend this continuous rageful agony Kill me Bury me deep beneath the earth And let remorse fall along the way In the corners of my mind I sit in decay Wondering where the gray has gone
Everything is black or white The darkness creeps in like blinding fog
There is no one there to sit beside me and clear the cob webs from my attic
And tell me everything will be fine and quell my fears
I'm done today :(
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
Everything is black or white The darkness creeps in like blinding fog
There is no one there to sit beside me and clear the cob webs from my attic
And tell me everything will be fine and quell my fears
I'm done today :(
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
Confession # 1
Its hard for me to make and keep friends, its hard for me to say that but its true and has been a problem all of my life. My marriage is my longest relationship and or friendship in my life. I've learned that communication goes both ways in friendship & relationships as well. You share something, you get something back but the problem is that I feel like sometimes things that people tell me isn't really any of my business. I know it sounds kind of cold to say that but that is how I feel because I feel that a lot of stuff I do in my life isn't anyone else's business either. I don't know how to explain it, it's just weird. The friends I do make just seems to lose interest in me over time...very fast, like a few weeks, months, I have 2 friends that have been with me since 2007 on myspace. I love them to death. I've tried to make some friends over the internet and at first we would email each other back and forth for a couple of weeks and then suddenly they would stop emailing me and I would run out of topics to talk about. For example, my husband will say "Man my neck hurts" and I think he may have slept wrong and I say "Oh." Just typing this makes me laugh at myself for giving such a lame response but that is my typical answer and it just comes off so cold. I really do care but I just don't know how to respond. I guess part of it has to do with me being scared of saying things wrong. I talk so bluntly and honestly sometimes that I hurt others' when I never mean to. I don't really know how to make small talk either. I'm actually quite annoyed by it, I mean, why can't people skip all the diplomatic greetings and get to the point? I know that's not how it works but I like to skip the appetizers, dinner, and get straight to the dessert. Does anyone have similar feelings? find it hard to make friends???
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
Nutella Cheesecake Layer Bars
To me so simple to make..........I hope you enjoy them as much as I do
- 8 Chocolate Graham Crackers
- ½ Stick Unsalted Butter, melted
- 16 oz. Cream Cheese, at room temperature
- 2 eggs, at room temperature
- ½ C. Granulated Sugar
- ¼ + 1 Tbsp. Heavy Cream
- 1 tsp. Vanilla Extract
- ¼ C. Nutella
Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F.
Butter an 8 x 8 baking pan and line with parchment paper, making sure that the parchment is well pressed in the corners. Set aside.
In a food processor, pulse chocolate graham crackers until they become crumbs (like bread crumbs). Add in melted butter and pulse until moistened. Press graham cracker mixture evenly into the bottom of the prepared baking dish. Bake crust in the center of the oven until set, about 12 minutes. Set aside and cool.
Clean out the food processor. Add cream cheese, eggs, sugar, ¼ C. heavy cream, and vanilla extract. Pulse until smooth. Put 2/3 of the cream cheese mixture in a bowl and set aside. Add Nutella and 1 Tbsp. of heavy cream to remaining 1/3 of the cream cheese mixture in the processor. Pulse until smooth.
To assemble, spread the vanilla cheesecake mixture over the cooled graham cracker base, being careful not to disturb the crust. Pour Nutella cheesecake layer on top of vanilla layer and spread evenly. Bake on the center rack of the oven for about 35 minutes, or until the center jiggles slightly. Remove from the oven and cool completely on a cooling rack. Refrigerate for at least 3 hours.
When ready to serve, lift bars out of the pan by lifting up the parchment paper (it should release easily). Slice into 16 squares and serve.
Yields 16 Squares
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
- 8 Chocolate Graham Crackers
- ½ Stick Unsalted Butter, melted
- 16 oz. Cream Cheese, at room temperature
- 2 eggs, at room temperature
- ½ C. Granulated Sugar
- ¼ + 1 Tbsp. Heavy Cream
- 1 tsp. Vanilla Extract
- ¼ C. Nutella
Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F.
Butter an 8 x 8 baking pan and line with parchment paper, making sure that the parchment is well pressed in the corners. Set aside.
In a food processor, pulse chocolate graham crackers until they become crumbs (like bread crumbs). Add in melted butter and pulse until moistened. Press graham cracker mixture evenly into the bottom of the prepared baking dish. Bake crust in the center of the oven until set, about 12 minutes. Set aside and cool.
Clean out the food processor. Add cream cheese, eggs, sugar, ¼ C. heavy cream, and vanilla extract. Pulse until smooth. Put 2/3 of the cream cheese mixture in a bowl and set aside. Add Nutella and 1 Tbsp. of heavy cream to remaining 1/3 of the cream cheese mixture in the processor. Pulse until smooth.
To assemble, spread the vanilla cheesecake mixture over the cooled graham cracker base, being careful not to disturb the crust. Pour Nutella cheesecake layer on top of vanilla layer and spread evenly. Bake on the center rack of the oven for about 35 minutes, or until the center jiggles slightly. Remove from the oven and cool completely on a cooling rack. Refrigerate for at least 3 hours.
When ready to serve, lift bars out of the pan by lifting up the parchment paper (it should release easily). Slice into 16 squares and serve.
Yields 16 Squares
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
Like it or Not
They usher us into the world and out at the end, too. And in between, they serve as our haven in a heartless world. You may consider your family staunchly traditional or undeniably unique, but regardless, families shape every moment of our lives, forming our longest threads of memory — from the overwhelming to the hilarious. Tight-knit relationships are a hallmark of humanity, perhaps explaining why they (and other loved ones we call family) are key to healthy, happy kiddos.
My children have a great relationship with their grandma & grandpa (Jeremy's mom & Step dad) that live in MA & their Papa & Nana ( Jeremys Dad & Step mom) who live 20 mins from us and they even get to see their cousins & their Aunt & Uncle who live 45 mins from us. We have wonderful holidays and am a firm believer that every family event is shaping them in a very positive way. We are truly blessed with a great family.
Time for my daily dose of CNN, a bowl of organic granola to get the day started.
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
My children have a great relationship with their grandma & grandpa (Jeremy's mom & Step dad) that live in MA & their Papa & Nana ( Jeremys Dad & Step mom) who live 20 mins from us and they even get to see their cousins & their Aunt & Uncle who live 45 mins from us. We have wonderful holidays and am a firm believer that every family event is shaping them in a very positive way. We are truly blessed with a great family.
Time for my daily dose of CNN, a bowl of organic granola to get the day started.
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
Limiting our thinking therefor hindering evolution (My Thoughts)
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Have you ever wondered why some people are brilliant, capable of making new connections in thought that are regarded as genius by others? And why most people are followers, in awe of brilliance, but not original thinkers themselves? Is it really that some are gifted with that much extra intelligence, or is it a difference in the way we use our intelligence?
Creative thinkers, leaders in the realm of ideas, are those who know how to think long thoughts, to sustain a mental question long enough to reach the end of the answer. Few people do this. We've been trained since birth to accept what others tell us as reality without looking deeper. Children are rewarded for getting “the right answers” on test rather than for growing original answers or questioning the pat answers they've been given. Curious kids are told “curiosity killed the cat” or “you ask too many questions.”
The system is set up to discourage long thoughts because people who think are a danger to the system. Thinking deeply enough allows you to connect isolated pieces of information, revealing the system’s real mechanics and ultimately its agenda. If enough sheep on the farm start thinking about their situation, noticing the pens that confine them, wondering why their wool regularly vanishes and what happens to their friends who disappear, that’s a danger to the sheep farm operation. Humans getting too smart is a danger to the New World Order.
What do you think???
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
Creative thinkers, leaders in the realm of ideas, are those who know how to think long thoughts, to sustain a mental question long enough to reach the end of the answer. Few people do this. We've been trained since birth to accept what others tell us as reality without looking deeper. Children are rewarded for getting “the right answers” on test rather than for growing original answers or questioning the pat answers they've been given. Curious kids are told “curiosity killed the cat” or “you ask too many questions.”
The system is set up to discourage long thoughts because people who think are a danger to the system. Thinking deeply enough allows you to connect isolated pieces of information, revealing the system’s real mechanics and ultimately its agenda. If enough sheep on the farm start thinking about their situation, noticing the pens that confine them, wondering why their wool regularly vanishes and what happens to their friends who disappear, that’s a danger to the sheep farm operation. Humans getting too smart is a danger to the New World Order.
What do you think???
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
Bipolar: Therapy Tips
While medication remains the bedrock treatment for bipolar disorder, a few different types of psychotherapy have been modified especially for people with this condition. The therapies that have been tested include helping patients work on family coping and relationships; learn to understand and reorder their own distorted thinking; and develop strategies for managing mood swings.
Things you should do for yourself:
Providing a solid structure for each day
Avoiding over stimulation and getting enough sleep
Resolving any family conflicts that contribute to symptoms
Learning to recognize the warning signs of manic and depressive episodes
May not sound like much, but even getting one of these helps SO MUCH ( but aim for all)
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
Things you should do for yourself:
Providing a solid structure for each day
Avoiding over stimulation and getting enough sleep
Resolving any family conflicts that contribute to symptoms
Learning to recognize the warning signs of manic and depressive episodes
May not sound like much, but even getting one of these helps SO MUCH ( but aim for all)
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
Deployment 2: duration: 15 months: 2007-2009
Generally in the Army there is a rule. Soldiers must be boots on ground for 365 days before deploying again. We literally found out about him getting deployed 2 WEEKS before he was to ship out. 2 WEEKS. Talk about panic!! I had been seeing a psychiatrist and was medicated and was not worried like I had been the first time. I slowly processed it, we spent as much time together and simply enjoyed each others company. The kids took it hard, my son was 3 and my daughter was 2 (they seem close certain times of the year, but they are 22 months apart) Not only did I have to hold it together for them, I was battling my own demons in my head. My kids NEVER saw me cry once. I made a promise to myself that I needed to be strong and they needed to see that everything was ok, that mommy was ok, and if mommy is ok, that means daddy's ok.
I cried. Alot. Everyday. In the shower, I would curl up in a ball while the hot water steamed up the bathroom and I would cry so hard, my heart hurt, i missed my very best friend. I was tired of sleeping alone with a 95 lb dog on his side of the bed. I was just tired of everything!!! My son had begun to act out about a month after my husband left. Nothing compared to the terrible twos, no way, it was much more serious. As I began learning about my illness I had done alot of research and found that mothers who are bipolar pass the gene to the children. I began to wonder if my son was experiencing the racing thoughts, anxiety, anger of daddy being gone, and being so little, being destructive, and violent ( I'm not kidding, he ripped a door of its hinges, put his fist through the wall, hurting his sister) it just wasnt normal behavior.
I found a child psychiatrist that agreed to hear his case. Because he was so young most wouldn't even talk to me, so I felt such a relief when we saw who became his ongoing psychiatrist. Turns out my son has ADHD & Bipolar disorder (all thanks to me) toward the end of the deployment things were really bad and he had to go stay with my sister in law and her family (family care plan) He was there 2 months. He came home 3 days before daddy did in Jan 2009
Our 2nd deployment went so smoothly. There was nothing that would compromise my integrity or my relationship with my husband. I pray everyday, with him only having 7 years until retirement that we do not have any more deployments in our future. I have to say that the 2nd deployment made us closer than we had ever been. Only good things are to come.................
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
I cried. Alot. Everyday. In the shower, I would curl up in a ball while the hot water steamed up the bathroom and I would cry so hard, my heart hurt, i missed my very best friend. I was tired of sleeping alone with a 95 lb dog on his side of the bed. I was just tired of everything!!! My son had begun to act out about a month after my husband left. Nothing compared to the terrible twos, no way, it was much more serious. As I began learning about my illness I had done alot of research and found that mothers who are bipolar pass the gene to the children. I began to wonder if my son was experiencing the racing thoughts, anxiety, anger of daddy being gone, and being so little, being destructive, and violent ( I'm not kidding, he ripped a door of its hinges, put his fist through the wall, hurting his sister) it just wasnt normal behavior.
I found a child psychiatrist that agreed to hear his case. Because he was so young most wouldn't even talk to me, so I felt such a relief when we saw who became his ongoing psychiatrist. Turns out my son has ADHD & Bipolar disorder (all thanks to me) toward the end of the deployment things were really bad and he had to go stay with my sister in law and her family (family care plan) He was there 2 months. He came home 3 days before daddy did in Jan 2009
Our 2nd deployment went so smoothly. There was nothing that would compromise my integrity or my relationship with my husband. I pray everyday, with him only having 7 years until retirement that we do not have any more deployments in our future. I have to say that the 2nd deployment made us closer than we had ever been. Only good things are to come.................
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
Deployment 1: duration 12 months: 2005 - 2006
Trust is the hardest thing in the world to gain, but also the easiest thing in the world to lose.......
So I had 3 months to proccess ( in my case DENY) the fact that my husband was going to war. Now most people would consider that time a joyous time, spending as much time as you can with your soldier. Not me, I was bitter. Not only did I give birth 12 days prior to him leaving, was healing from a surgery, was dealing with postpartum depression, having extended family there up until 2 days before he left I was at my wits end!!
I to this day can still feel the deep sinking feeling in my chest that made it almost impossible to breathe. If your military you know what I mean, for those of you who don't, don't even try because it would never come close to the feeling of watching your soldier load up on that white bus. Not knowing if it was the last kiss you would ever share, holding hands for the last time, sharing your life with your best friend..........that had all been taken away from me. I thought the world was over. But I still had my son 1 1/2 and my daughter 2 weeks old. I didn't think I could be a parent alone, so what did I do?? Made the same mistake 90% of young wives of deployed soldiers makes............went home to Mom & Dad. I packed up, my mom flew in, and we flew out to Cali the same day. I lasted 20 days with my parents and remembered why I had moved to begin with. (No offense mom & dad) I just realized that once you leave home, you can never go home as an adult, much less a new parent. You are at a stage where you feel they are trying to take over your parenting and everything you do seems to be wrong. So I asked my mom to watch my kids, I flew back to killeen, got my 2005 dodge grand caravan, filled the tank and drove from home to my parents house, it was about 1500 miles.
I arrived, packed my belongings that I had brought and purchased, loaded the van, got the kids buckled in nice and tight. Hugged my parents goodbye and I drove all the way back to our home. I have not been back to see my parents since, they have not come out here to see them either, its been 6 years.
I got home, tired, opened the front door and collapsed in sadness, crying harder than i have ever cried. My house was empty, my soldier wasn't there waiting for me. I was alone (I mean I had the kids) litteraly. It took me a couple months to get everything into a routine and everything seemed to be going well. I started meeting other moms with kids and we would all take turns babysitting back and forth for each other.
There was alot of tension between my husband and I, we were not communicating, hurtful things were being said, I accused him of cheating on me with Stephanie, a mutual close friend. He was always with her, would walk her to her trailer at night, eat together, workout together and suspicions began to arise. I would ask him if he was cheating, he denied anything, but in my heart I knew he had. You know the feeling that only a woman gets??? I had it.....
The rest of the deployment went down hill from March till he got home in Oct. I betrayed my husband by laying with another man. I (rationally) in MY mind I thought that if I cheated on him, he would come clean about cheating on me..........FUCKING STUPID!!!! It back fired on me, I had very erratic behavior,excessive drinking, ridiculous reckless spending. Our bank account went from $50,000 to $12,000 in less than 6 months. I immediately felt guily and VERY sorry for everything I did that hurt him. I did not get the results I was hoping for. All I did was shame myself by becoming one in the stereotype that ALL military wives cheat. I hurt my husband beyond expression. I thought I had seriously just ended my marriage. We separated for approximately a month. We spent our 3rd year anniversary apart. We filed for divorce, went to court a couple times. Then one day we sat down together and talked, alot. We reconciled everything after I agreed to get treatment and enjoyed spending Thanksgiving 2006 together.
From my husband I was expecting to be belittled, yelled at, reminded everyday that I fucked up, anything just to make my life miserable. But I got NONE of that from him. Our relationship grew closer and closer and closer. We spent every minute off work together. I was baffled by his reaction, or lack there of. He knew there was something wrong with me, mentally. my mood instability, the depression, anxiety........he saw it all. I needed help.........
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
So I had 3 months to proccess ( in my case DENY) the fact that my husband was going to war. Now most people would consider that time a joyous time, spending as much time as you can with your soldier. Not me, I was bitter. Not only did I give birth 12 days prior to him leaving, was healing from a surgery, was dealing with postpartum depression, having extended family there up until 2 days before he left I was at my wits end!!
I to this day can still feel the deep sinking feeling in my chest that made it almost impossible to breathe. If your military you know what I mean, for those of you who don't, don't even try because it would never come close to the feeling of watching your soldier load up on that white bus. Not knowing if it was the last kiss you would ever share, holding hands for the last time, sharing your life with your best friend..........that had all been taken away from me. I thought the world was over. But I still had my son 1 1/2 and my daughter 2 weeks old. I didn't think I could be a parent alone, so what did I do?? Made the same mistake 90% of young wives of deployed soldiers makes............went home to Mom & Dad. I packed up, my mom flew in, and we flew out to Cali the same day. I lasted 20 days with my parents and remembered why I had moved to begin with. (No offense mom & dad) I just realized that once you leave home, you can never go home as an adult, much less a new parent. You are at a stage where you feel they are trying to take over your parenting and everything you do seems to be wrong. So I asked my mom to watch my kids, I flew back to killeen, got my 2005 dodge grand caravan, filled the tank and drove from home to my parents house, it was about 1500 miles.
I arrived, packed my belongings that I had brought and purchased, loaded the van, got the kids buckled in nice and tight. Hugged my parents goodbye and I drove all the way back to our home. I have not been back to see my parents since, they have not come out here to see them either, its been 6 years.
I got home, tired, opened the front door and collapsed in sadness, crying harder than i have ever cried. My house was empty, my soldier wasn't there waiting for me. I was alone (I mean I had the kids) litteraly. It took me a couple months to get everything into a routine and everything seemed to be going well. I started meeting other moms with kids and we would all take turns babysitting back and forth for each other.
There was alot of tension between my husband and I, we were not communicating, hurtful things were being said, I accused him of cheating on me with Stephanie, a mutual close friend. He was always with her, would walk her to her trailer at night, eat together, workout together and suspicions began to arise. I would ask him if he was cheating, he denied anything, but in my heart I knew he had. You know the feeling that only a woman gets??? I had it.....
The rest of the deployment went down hill from March till he got home in Oct. I betrayed my husband by laying with another man. I (rationally) in MY mind I thought that if I cheated on him, he would come clean about cheating on me..........FUCKING STUPID!!!! It back fired on me, I had very erratic behavior,excessive drinking, ridiculous reckless spending. Our bank account went from $50,000 to $12,000 in less than 6 months. I immediately felt guily and VERY sorry for everything I did that hurt him. I did not get the results I was hoping for. All I did was shame myself by becoming one in the stereotype that ALL military wives cheat. I hurt my husband beyond expression. I thought I had seriously just ended my marriage. We separated for approximately a month. We spent our 3rd year anniversary apart. We filed for divorce, went to court a couple times. Then one day we sat down together and talked, alot. We reconciled everything after I agreed to get treatment and enjoyed spending Thanksgiving 2006 together.
From my husband I was expecting to be belittled, yelled at, reminded everyday that I fucked up, anything just to make my life miserable. But I got NONE of that from him. Our relationship grew closer and closer and closer. We spent every minute off work together. I was baffled by his reaction, or lack there of. He knew there was something wrong with me, mentally. my mood instability, the depression, anxiety........he saw it all. I needed help.........
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
Daughters Birth: October 2005
We had been married for 2 years (together for 4) before we were faced with a dreaded DEPLOYMENT. I wasn't sure how to react when he told me that he was leaving in October 2005. Let me back up a little. I had been pregnant with our daughter on bed rest the entire pregnancy when he told me that he was going to be leaving for 12 months. Ok, first off I flipped out telling him there was no fucking way that he was leaving me with a 1 1/2 year old and a newborn. He was scheduled to leave 3 weeks before my due date of October 31. Then I went through the thought process of remembering how other soldiers were late deployers that were allowed to stay for the birth and then ship out. I was SURE that his command would let him. Man was I WRONG. They said no because it wasnt our first baby. I became so STRESSED and scared facing an impending deployment. The first time we have EVER been apart. As I mentioned before I was already on bed rest and a very high risk pregnancy, the stress sent me over the edge!! Psychologically I had a melt down (not the first time) but first time about a deployment. The doctors had me coming into the clinic daily for stress tests and had me on a good dose of hypertension (high blood pressure) medication. On September 21, 2005 I went in as usual at 9:30 am for my daily stress test. The beginning my blood pressure was high, after laying there for 30 mins, it continued to rise, they had me on a oxygen nasal cannula ( the little two tubes that blow out oxygen from a tank) and were telling me to try and relax, i couldnt, I had sent my body into emotional shock and this was the result. After an hour of monitoring, they paged my OB doctor from L&D (Labor & Delivery) and he went over my heart recordings and my blood pressure. He looked at me, looked at my husband and said, "Your daughter is going to be premature, be prepared, but know that we have an excellent NICU if anything happens, but we cant wait any longer, your blood pressure is 189/136 ( normal numbers are 120/80) and remember I was on medication for it and it was still that high!! He told them to get me up to L&D immediately and he was booking the operating room for an emergency C-Section. I arrived at L&D & was quickly stripped and hooked up to numerous machines. They also gave me an injection of steroids that was in hopes to develop and grow our little daughters lungs. The biggest problem with premature babies is that their lungs are under developed and are unable to breathe. So I'm laying there, stressed, crying & SCARED, all the while my husband is making arrangements for a close family friend to take our son, as he was with us at the hospital. We didnt know we were having a baby that day, so as always, my husband is reassuring me that everything will be ok, that our son was going to be with our friend, he went and got his carseat and handed him over to Stephanie. So now after that happened it was just me and my hubby waiting for the operation room to become free. Not long after, i was wheeled into the OR, was asked to move over to the HARD COLD table. so I sat there straddling the table as the dr was telling me what he was going to be doing. I first tasted metalic pennnies in my mouth and he then administered my spinal block and told me to scoot down...........I did.........the wrong way, by then the spinal block kicked in and they had to move me because i couldnt move from the chest down. I was laid back on the table, IV was flowing with medictions, the blue tarp was placed so that I could not see what was going on and in walked my hubby, in full scrubs, head to toe. all I could see was his eyes. He sat down on my left side and took hold of my hand and looked into my teary eyes and promised me that our little girl was going to be just fine and to try and relax. Time seemed to stop as we awaited to hear that wonderful loud scream. About 10 mins later after alot of tugging, pushing and pressure from them cutting, we heard a loud pissed off newborn scream at 3:33 pm. I sighed with such relief as if the world was lifted from my shoulders. I was so happy. They quickly wrapped her up, brought her to me for just 30 seconds and then rushed her to the NICU. I was so worried/eager to find out how much she weighed and how healthy she was being so early. The doctors worked on diligently sewing the 6 inch incision they had just made on my low abdomen. 30-40 mins later they moved me to recovery for an hour and then I was placed in my own hospital room. ALONE. I had heard nothing about my daughter. My husband was in with her & the doctors & I lay in a bed unable to walk...........I tried to watch tv for a while and kept calling my nurse telling her i want to go see my daughter, she said she had to do something and would be back in about 10-15 mins. So i waited..........waited..........it was now 6:30..............waited..........7:45...........I said FUCK IT. I slowly turned my body to place my feet on the floor (I had a c-section with my son so i know what to do and not to do and the pain that comes with it) I grabbed hold of my IV stand stood up bent at the waist, due to incision and I SLOWLY walked down to the NICU. As I passed the nurses station they all jumped out of their chairs and immediately started coddleing me, telling me that I wasnt allowed to walk. I yelled at them and said "Let me fucking go!! Dont touch me. I have been waiting almost 6 HOURS to see my daughter. Back Off!! So I continued to the NICU, got there, they verified who I was and directed me to a chair. I sat down next to a thermal incubator, I was expecting the worst. My husband and mother in law were there, she had gotten on the 1st available flight after my hubbys phone call after delivery. So my husband & mother in law got to hold my daughter before I did........I was PISSED but that quickly faded when the nurse handed me my daughter. She was hooked up to so many things and had an IV in her tiny hand. She was beautiful. A head FULL of solid black hair. She was 6 lbs 3 oz and was 21 inches long. I cried. I was so blessed. I wasnt allowed to hold her long but she was perfect. She stayed in the NICU for 7 days. Talk about lucky!! Most preme babies spend 2 months in the NICU. But she was doing so well they felt she could come home. She passed the car seat test and the feeding test. We brought her home on the 27th of October 2005, 6 days after birth. My husband got to spend 2 weeks with her before he was to be taken away from us for 12 months!!!
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
2000-2005
Monday, June 27, 2011
I’m a small town country girl from a small town in Northern California. Born and raised. My mom and dad to this day have the same house and phone number I did when I was in kindergarden. I came from a very stable, loving home with wonderful parents. I attended a private academy almost all my life, and before my senior year in high school, I moved to Pensacola Florida to attend Pensacola Christian Academy. I was a boarding student staying on the college campus while attending classes at the Academy. I graduated with a 4.2 gpa in the class of 2000
After graduation, I moved back home with my parents, spent the summer working at the local corner store where everyone knew everything about everyone, i did mention it was a small towm right? LOL Anyway, I was pondering what to do with my life now that I was out of school……….was I ready to settle back into the academic routine or did I want to live a little and do something drastic!?!? The answer was to do the extreme.
I went to a recruiting station, told them I wanted to join the Army and to sign me up. I did just that, signed up, shipped out, went to basic training in SC, then shipped to San Antonio Texas for my advanced training for my health care specialist title, in Army terms its called a Combat Medic….
Upon graduating from AIT in San Antonio, I went home for a week, then was sent to my first and only duty station. Fort Wainwright Alaska. I arrived in July, a time where the sun never went down until October, seriously. I was there for 2 days then I met a man who, when I looked at him and our eyes locked, I said to myself, “Thats the man I am going to marry” We began dating, it was forbidden by our command but we managed to spend every off work moment together, we quickly became best friends, after a short amount of time we decided to take the next step together………SEX…..I was 19 and had never experienced an orgasm with any other person before. We were making out on my bed in my barracks room and he began doing something that ultimately led to the most amazing, mind bowing, sensation that I ever experienced in my life!!! My FIRST orgasm. Wanna know the most amazing part??? We were both fully dressed and no hands were used. Do you seriously think i was going to let that man get away? HELL NO We were sent on a mission called JRTC at Ft. Polk LA for 30 days. We didnt let that get in our way, in any way. After our 30 days were over, Upon returning home about 3 weeks later I found out that we were expecting!! I was SO SCARED!! Looking back on it now, the reason I was scared was the fact that my parents, specifically Daddy would know that his little girl was no longer a virgin & I was pregnant with a baby by a man 11 years older than I. After 4 months of knowing each other, we started talking about getting married. Fast I know, but when you feel it in your heart to be the right thing, you do what you must. We married in Alaska and 3 weeks later we moved down to Fort Hood Texas where we spent 7 years. Both of our children were born in the same military hospital. My son was 8lbs 14 oz and 22 inches long born at 40 weeks via C-Section & my daughter was 6 lbs 5 oz via c section 2 MONTHS EARLY.
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
After graduation, I moved back home with my parents, spent the summer working at the local corner store where everyone knew everything about everyone, i did mention it was a small towm right? LOL Anyway, I was pondering what to do with my life now that I was out of school……….was I ready to settle back into the academic routine or did I want to live a little and do something drastic!?!? The answer was to do the extreme.
I went to a recruiting station, told them I wanted to join the Army and to sign me up. I did just that, signed up, shipped out, went to basic training in SC, then shipped to San Antonio Texas for my advanced training for my health care specialist title, in Army terms its called a Combat Medic….
Upon graduating from AIT in San Antonio, I went home for a week, then was sent to my first and only duty station. Fort Wainwright Alaska. I arrived in July, a time where the sun never went down until October, seriously. I was there for 2 days then I met a man who, when I looked at him and our eyes locked, I said to myself, “Thats the man I am going to marry” We began dating, it was forbidden by our command but we managed to spend every off work moment together, we quickly became best friends, after a short amount of time we decided to take the next step together………SEX…..I was 19 and had never experienced an orgasm with any other person before. We were making out on my bed in my barracks room and he began doing something that ultimately led to the most amazing, mind bowing, sensation that I ever experienced in my life!!! My FIRST orgasm. Wanna know the most amazing part??? We were both fully dressed and no hands were used. Do you seriously think i was going to let that man get away? HELL NO We were sent on a mission called JRTC at Ft. Polk LA for 30 days. We didnt let that get in our way, in any way. After our 30 days were over, Upon returning home about 3 weeks later I found out that we were expecting!! I was SO SCARED!! Looking back on it now, the reason I was scared was the fact that my parents, specifically Daddy would know that his little girl was no longer a virgin & I was pregnant with a baby by a man 11 years older than I. After 4 months of knowing each other, we started talking about getting married. Fast I know, but when you feel it in your heart to be the right thing, you do what you must. We married in Alaska and 3 weeks later we moved down to Fort Hood Texas where we spent 7 years. Both of our children were born in the same military hospital. My son was 8lbs 14 oz and 22 inches long born at 40 weeks via C-Section & my daughter was 6 lbs 5 oz via c section 2 MONTHS EARLY.
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
Our Son
I met a man who, when I looked at him and our eyes locked, I said to myself, “Thats the man I am going to marry” We began dating, it was forbidden by our command but we managed to spend every off work moment together, we quickly became best friends, after a good amount of time we decided to take the next step together………SEX…..I was 19 and had never experienced an orgasm with any other person before. We were making out on my bed in my barracks room and he began doing something that ultimately led to the most amazing, mind bowing, sensation that I ever experienced in my life!!! My FIRST orgasm. Wanna know the most amazing part??? We were both fully dressed and no hands were used. Do you seriously think i was going to let that man get away? HELL NO We were sent on a mission called JRTC at Ft. Polk LA for 30 days. We didnt let that get in our way, in any way. After our 30 days were over, Upon returning home about 3 weeks later I found out that we were expecting!! I was SO SCARED!! Looking back on it now, the reason I was scared was the fact that my parents, specifically Daddy would know that his little girl was no longer a virgin & I was pregnant with a baby by a man 11 years older than I. After 4 months of knowing each other, we started talking about getting married. Fast I know, but when you feel it in your heart to be the right thing, you do what you must. We married in Alaska and 3 weeks later we moved down to Fort Hood Texas. My son was born on Jan 2 via emergency C-Section. I went through 3 failed epidurals and that was the longest and most painful 63 hours of my life. But it was all worth every minute
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
No way they would understand
Military marriages and relationships are different from civilian relationships. They have unique challenges and joys. I try to just not complain to any of my civilian friends cause I feel like it is weird for them to try and understand. I bitch to you guys and to hubby. So, I just don't talk about it to them when I am having a rough time. .I have come to a conclusion about comparing cilillian relationships to military ones heres my final thought..
I complained a lot over the last 11 years about the military but... civilian or military, they both have their issues. As a former active duty soldier & now Army Wife I will always believe in my heart that military relationships are harder than civilian because I've lived both and the hardest has been the Army.
I do infact think that military relationships are very different from civillian relationships. I have been in two long term relationships. One was with a civillian and now with my soldier in the US Army.
I thought it was FOREVER when I was apart from my ex for a week. A WEEK! I could still call him whenever I wanted to but, I just couldn't see him for a week. I had no idea NO IDEA. A week is NOTHING. A week is not serious.
A military relationship....I would go weeks even a month without even hearing from him, not knowing if he was alive or dead. I had no idea what he was doing. Now that's STRESS. And that is a horrible feeling.
If you're in a civilian relationship you just are clueless to what it feels like loving and missing your soldier ...and you can't "understand" unless you've gone through it.
Yes, everyone is entitled to miss their bf,gf. but seriously can you compare a week separation while each person is on vacation with family to a month of not hearing from your spouse while he's deployed.
Hell no...it is NOT comparable. And that's my opinion
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
I complained a lot over the last 11 years about the military but... civilian or military, they both have their issues. As a former active duty soldier & now Army Wife I will always believe in my heart that military relationships are harder than civilian because I've lived both and the hardest has been the Army.
I do infact think that military relationships are very different from civillian relationships. I have been in two long term relationships. One was with a civillian and now with my soldier in the US Army.
I thought it was FOREVER when I was apart from my ex for a week. A WEEK! I could still call him whenever I wanted to but, I just couldn't see him for a week. I had no idea NO IDEA. A week is NOTHING. A week is not serious.
A military relationship....I would go weeks even a month without even hearing from him, not knowing if he was alive or dead. I had no idea what he was doing. Now that's STRESS. And that is a horrible feeling.
If you're in a civilian relationship you just are clueless to what it feels like loving and missing your soldier ...and you can't "understand" unless you've gone through it.
Yes, everyone is entitled to miss their bf,gf. but seriously can you compare a week separation while each person is on vacation with family to a month of not hearing from your spouse while he's deployed.
Hell no...it is NOT comparable. And that's my opinion
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
Wise Word from my neice attending Pensacola Christian College
Standards: a boundary to come from an individuals heart out of a desire to protect ones relationship with Christ. Not a list of rules. God isn't impressed with any of us. What on earth would make us think He would be impressed by our following a list of rules to prove we can, or to please others.
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
I never thought there was an inbetween, I thought there was dead & alive
As we live out our day to day life we often take for granted the ability to walk, hear, see, and many more things. Its something that most dont think about until you lose it, but my thoughts and prayers are with our wounded warriors who have risked their life, limb and eye sight for our freedom. As they return back from combat, the life they used to know is gone and many are deserted by friends and family. I pray so diligently for our government to begin properly treating our soldiers. You dont have to be missing a leg to be a wounded warrior, its mental health as well as physical. As the nation approaches the ten-year mark of combat operations in Afghanistan and Iraq, we risk losing the war on mental health for this generation of veterans. Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) needs refocus its approach to returning warriors mental health and to mount a more aggressive strategy to win this critical battle. The number of veterans from the current conflicts experiencing combat stress continues to climb, with the prospect of a generation of veterans at risk for chronic mental health problems. Post-traumatic stress and other combat-related mental health conditions can be treated. And VA has many excellent mental health clinicians. Yet VA’s approach to the challenge is flawed. Seriously, any thoughts?
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
Re Connecting
I moved away from home, which was a very small town where everyone knew everyones business when I was 17. After graduating High School at Pensacola Christian Academy (class of 2000) I never really looked back. Recently in the past week or so I have re connected with many of the people I went to grade school with and have not seen in 13 years or more. I've always wondered what would come of everyone I left behind. I have found that some are married, have children, cant have children, have adopted, are single, happy, content and down right dysfunctional (I will not mention any names) but it has made me look at my own life and reiterate how happy and blessed my life is/has been. I am 29 years old with a military career under my belt, (which may have possibly prepared me for motherhood and the terrible twos) two beautiful children, a beautiful house, 2 new vehicles, a wonderful, loving, caring, passionate, solid, firm marriage. I have been blessed by my wonderful God, with the man I call my soulmate, best friend, lover, hero, soldier & husband. 10 years ago I belive is when my life really began. My soldier and I have been best friends since our first "Hi, how are you" I so easily got lost in his gorgeous blue eyes, and still find myself lost in them from time to time when I stop and take a moment to appreciate who he is and what he represents. In my eyes there is no better life style than living the American Dream Behind the White Picket Fence-
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
I was a fish in a fishbowl, watching the world through medicated eyes
Monday, June 20, 2011
Humans are not meant to live in water; we’re meant to live on land. My funks are when I’m under the water, drowning, sometimes without a will to surface, but required by the need for oxygen to fight to get my head above the waterline, to fight to want to get my head above.
There is a state where I am treading water, so I am not under the water, I can breathe, but it takes constant effort, and I am well aware of the potential to be under the water, and a wave can send me back under easily, or my legs can get tired of treading and I could go back under.
When I am doing well, it is like I am lying on my back floating on a raft, and I don’t see the water or feel it, I breathe air naturally and easily, and I can rest some, and I can generally float about unharmed, until a wave submerges me, sometimes with warning, sometimes without. But I am out in the middle of this vast ocean, far, far from land, and even if I knew which direction to take (which I don’t), I don’t have the means to get there, and I probably also lack the will, because the undertaking would be mind-bogglingly huge.
Meanwhile, I know there are hundreds of thousands of folks on land, dancing and partying and eating and building buildings and developing computer networks and raising families and feeling a sense of identity, contentment, belonging, growth, community. People that are fulfilling their potential.
Me, I’m trying not to drown.
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
There is a state where I am treading water, so I am not under the water, I can breathe, but it takes constant effort, and I am well aware of the potential to be under the water, and a wave can send me back under easily, or my legs can get tired of treading and I could go back under.
When I am doing well, it is like I am lying on my back floating on a raft, and I don’t see the water or feel it, I breathe air naturally and easily, and I can rest some, and I can generally float about unharmed, until a wave submerges me, sometimes with warning, sometimes without. But I am out in the middle of this vast ocean, far, far from land, and even if I knew which direction to take (which I don’t), I don’t have the means to get there, and I probably also lack the will, because the undertaking would be mind-bogglingly huge.
Meanwhile, I know there are hundreds of thousands of folks on land, dancing and partying and eating and building buildings and developing computer networks and raising families and feeling a sense of identity, contentment, belonging, growth, community. People that are fulfilling their potential.
Me, I’m trying not to drown.
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
Welcome to my blog
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Hello I’m a daughter, niece, sister, granddaughter, cousin, aunt, friend, wife & mother. I have also been blessed with the title of Combat Medic in the United States Army. I was diagnosed with Bipolar type II, severe anxiety & depression, paranoid personality disorder, as well as schizo-affective disorder May 2007. Talk about curve ball, but yet an answer to my life that was crumbling before me. There were alot of events, decisions, thoughts & actions that were very disruptive and dangerous. I was living life on the edge…..Drinking, promiscuity, financial recklessness, spending $38,000.00 in 6 months, and was very depressed, some said it was postpartum depression after giving birth to my daughter in 2005. My husband stood in front of me, hand on my shoulders and said “You need to find help to deal with your past and your reckless behavior, or we are not going to be able to survive much longer” I was hesitant thinking nothing was wrong but went anyway to appease him. Took me a couple years to find the right Dr. and am happy to report I am on medication for my illness and my husband and I are so in love, as if we were just wed. Although its been 10 years………..forever with him seems to fly by!! Oh yeah my hubby is in the Army, has been since 1998. We have been through a 12 month deployment and also a 15 month deployment……..We are as solid as concrete, there is NOTHING that can even think about separating us. I’m gonna leave is bio out of my blog because this is mine!! I will talk about him alot though.
Enough of the heavy stuff!! Right?? theres alot more to me than my disorders, for example:
I’m an artist, An entrepreneur; A writer, Photographer & a fool. I’m many things to many people and to others I am nothing at all. I smile a lot, love deeply. I sleep hard but not often. I dream vividly & remember it all. I think people are beautiful far before they have a chance to prove me otherwise. I trust from the start until I am given reason not to but once that happens I have to let you go. I’m impatient and opinionated. I treat others in a fashion I wouldn’t mind myself but I’m often told I am intimidating. I think words are much like people, each one very unique, very powerful With a distinct purpose. I am thick skinned on the outside & incredibly sensitive on the inside. I'm a practical, but a hopeless romantic, I wear my heart on my sleeve, but my head is never in the sand. I'm an introspective extrovert With the propensity to stand up for The underdog. I’m educated & polite but extremely stubborn & I hold grudges forever against those who do to me what I would never do to them. I’m all about my family. I use my brain to achieve my goals, I use my heart to guide me & My head to carve the path. I’m a dreamer with a ambiguous past & an unpredictable future. I’m an honest person, I’m articulate & I always speak my mind. I’m kind hearted, horribly optimistic & ridiculously confident. I am passionate & sensual, I have an insatiable desire to adore physically & mentally. The one I love is forever my soul mate & Best Friend. Every chance I get I often randomly hug the people that I love, Friend or family; male or female. I'm a creative person, I see things others don’t and want to see things as others do. My will is strong; my mind is open & I am right where I am supposed to be for now. Will you follow along with me???
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
Enough of the heavy stuff!! Right?? theres alot more to me than my disorders, for example:
I’m an artist, An entrepreneur; A writer, Photographer & a fool. I’m many things to many people and to others I am nothing at all. I smile a lot, love deeply. I sleep hard but not often. I dream vividly & remember it all. I think people are beautiful far before they have a chance to prove me otherwise. I trust from the start until I am given reason not to but once that happens I have to let you go. I’m impatient and opinionated. I treat others in a fashion I wouldn’t mind myself but I’m often told I am intimidating. I think words are much like people, each one very unique, very powerful With a distinct purpose. I am thick skinned on the outside & incredibly sensitive on the inside. I'm a practical, but a hopeless romantic, I wear my heart on my sleeve, but my head is never in the sand. I'm an introspective extrovert With the propensity to stand up for The underdog. I’m educated & polite but extremely stubborn & I hold grudges forever against those who do to me what I would never do to them. I’m all about my family. I use my brain to achieve my goals, I use my heart to guide me & My head to carve the path. I’m a dreamer with a ambiguous past & an unpredictable future. I’m an honest person, I’m articulate & I always speak my mind. I’m kind hearted, horribly optimistic & ridiculously confident. I am passionate & sensual, I have an insatiable desire to adore physically & mentally. The one I love is forever my soul mate & Best Friend. Every chance I get I often randomly hug the people that I love, Friend or family; male or female. I'm a creative person, I see things others don’t and want to see things as others do. My will is strong; my mind is open & I am right where I am supposed to be for now. Will you follow along with me???
Copyright © 2011 www.http://behindthewhitepicketfencearmylife.blogspot.com. All rights reserved
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Total Pageviews
Popular Posts
-
Military marriages and relationships are different from civilian relationships. They have unique challenges and joys. I try to just not comp...
-
The science of dreams is obviously not a clear-cut one. While many believe our dreams mean something, there are also many who don't. But...
-
Having strong well defined family values helps us solidify the foundation for a strong, tight knit family. When cultivated long enough this ...
-
I’m a small town country girl from a small town in Northern California. Born and raised. My mom and dad to this day have the same house and ...
-
While the country focuses on the upcoming tenth anniversary of 9/11, there is another tenth anniversary that is coming up next week that...
-
Neuro feedback is a therapy for trauma. ......... Conventional psychotherapy for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder typically involves sever... -
I found these on facebook today and I actually think they are really good....... We always hear "the rules" from the female side...
-
We don’t understand Women : Their “Whatever” “Anything” OR “You Decide” 1 . (Whatever) Men: What should we have for dinner? Women: Whatev...
-
Standing here in front of you You never looked so beautiful With every breath you steal my words away It's like seeing you the first...
-
Humans are not meant to live in water; we’re meant to live on land. My funks are when I’m under the water, drowning, sometimes without a wil...
About
- CombatBarbie01
- ❤ ❤ ❤ I am in love with a United States Soldier. I will support him in his defense of the Constitution of the United States of America And I will understand that he must obey the orders of those appointed over him. I represent the true fighting spirit of the Army. And those who have gone before me with strength and loyalty around the world. I proudly stand by the one I love with Honor, Courage and Commitment. I am committed to my soldier and the United States Army. You will know me as a Momma & Wife, web & graphic designer, Music fanatic, bookworm, domestic goddess, ditsy, girly-girl & spoiled rotten. I'm not popular, I'm just me [take it or leave it]. ❤ ❤ ❤