Our Family Values

Having strong well defined family values helps us solidify the foundation for a strong, tight knit family. When cultivated long enough this closeness provides a soft place to fall when life doesn’t go according to plan. Strong and consistent family values are important in building trust and confidence in each family member.  

 How do you define family values? In our home family values are rules or ideals that, as a family, we agree to live by and stay true to. The list of essential family values would be a mile long no doubt and the top 10 lists for each family would be as unique as the one that came up with it. I'm all for order, schedules and structure in my family to help maintain some level of sanity. But too much structure and the unwillingness to give a little can result in a lot of unhappiness and resentment. Something I knew all too well growing up with my parents. I look back and consider the sources from which they had learned how to parent, they were flying by the seat of their pants. They had NO positive or solid parenting skills. I am the result of a teenage pregnancy, broken family with no decent role models. I fight everyday to not be like my step mom. It is engraved into me that if she couldn't be happy no one could be. That I cant trust any man because if they aren't with you, they HAVE to be cheating on me, that if I'm not yelling no one will listen. The list goes on and on. Again my wonderful husband has in a great way RE PROGRAMED me to know right from wrong & it is night and day compared to what I had been exposed to all those early years. The more flexibility you have in decision making, for example, the happier your family will be for it. Imagine one member of the family always thinking they are right and enforcing their way of doing things. When think that, only one person comes to my mind & thats my step mom. This certainly didn't lead to much happiness within the family unit. For my family, to respect each other is to take feelings, thoughts, needs, and preferences in to account when making decisions. It also means acknowledging and valuing everyone's thoughts, feelings and contributions to the family as a whole. Another strong value we exhibit & instill  is  respect. Respect is indeed earned and there is a VERY fine line between it and fear. I grew up living in fear because if it wasnt a verbal beat down it was a physical repercussion. I have NEVER & will NEVER to that to my children.My children have a great respect for me as a mother & friend, my husband as well. The only way to earn and keep someones respect is to first show them respect yourself. Respect as an important family value will extend out of the home and into school, work or other social settings. Having been raised with a very low standard of respect, I at times find it hard to exhibit this characteristic to my children, as I have a LEARNED form of respect that was given by my parents and it was very weak. I over the past 11 yrs since moving AWAY from my parents, I've gained and learned what true respect is & I have my husband to thank for my solid foundation. Moving down the line honesty comes in right up there with respect. This is the foundation of any relationships that are meant to last. Mother-daughter, husband-wife, sister-brother. Without honesty a deeper connection will not form and certainly won't last.  Honesty was not a very strong value in my parents house growing up, so as a young adult I struggled with this as a result of the shady, two faced questionable actions I was raised with & witnessed. Again my husband stepped up to the plate and taught me the BASIC foundation skills that I should have been taught growing up. At the age of 30 he was teaching a 19 yr old that lying was wrong. I should have known, but given what I witnessed growing up was lie after lie to protect the ones you love........WRONG. Lying does no body any good. I witnessed that it was ok to lie to the police, that my brother wasn't home & that we had not seen him.......all the while he was hiding in the flippin horse stalls out back. Talk about confusing a child. We encourage honesty by practicing understanding and respect when someone tells you of their wrong doings. If we lose it and get angry when we're told what has happened the other person will be more likely to hide it from you next time simply to avoid the disrespect. We tell our children that if they tell the truth, they won't get in trouble. They always come forward after being told that & we deal with the situation accordingly & with respect. We never judge or point fingers in our house.

Forgiving people who have wronged you is an important choice to make. Yes, forgiveness is a choice. I have been wronged so many times in my life & with the poor skills that I was taught growing up I held on to everything & everyone that had done me wrong, it was all I knew. My step mom is a very bitter person and when someone crosses her, she makes sure she reminds them and hold on to it forever. I having been cooped up in the same house for so many years, i thought that was the only way to live........was to be miserable. If there is a exemplary example of forgiveness it is my husband and his immediate family. I was blown away by how they handle a situation and then forgive and move on!! I had no idea that could happen. It wasn't until about 5 mo ago that a certain life changing event that I realized I was harboring hatred for those who have done me wrong. I attend therapy 3 days a week for 1-1.5 hours each session & i reached a point when I realized the people doing me wrong were getting more of my time than what my family deserved. I sat with my therapist, went down the list of wrong doers and made the decision to FORGIVE each one of them. I can say without a doubt that I wish no ill will to anyone that has ever been part of my life. I have learned that those closest to me deserve my love and I have so much more to give now that I am not ANGRY all the time. I laugh when looking back on my growing up & can not for the life of me remember when my parents were happy........then my heart aches because I wish they knew how strong, comforting, deep, loyal & HAPPY the love of a happy devoted open my marriage is with my soldier. I wish every person I knew could feel it because its amazing. Those close to us always tell me how cute & sweet we are to each other. New friends think we are still dating or newlyweds. Time seems to not exist in our lives. We really do not have a care in the world & it feels great. Alot of our happiness comes from the true act of forgiveness.  It is not some feeling that randomly washes over you when you feel the other person has “suffered” enough. Holding a grudge, is not conducive to a close family with mutual respect. I believe that another great value in a solid family, is giving. Giving without thinking “what's in it for me” is an important value for anyone wanting to be a responsible, contributing member to society. We have taught our children that giving doesnt mean just giving someone some money, but its about giving your time, love & attention. I never knew the true meaning of giving until I became a mother. Now as my family is growing, giving has become as easy to me as breathing. I have turned out to be a wonderful mother despite my past. My husband has brought out the woman in me & my children have brought out my inner child & ability to be a best friend. Speaking of children, children have a natural curiosity. If you've ever watched a toddler even for a couple of minutes you'd see that quality shine through. For some that curiosity wanes. I think it's important to encourage and push our kids and even ourselves to be curious about things. Rarely should we ever just take someone's word for it. How do we spark our curiosity? Ask questions. Lots of them. Read about a topic you know very little about and don’t be afraid to say you don't know. Critical thinking is an important skill that can be learned and developed through exploring your own curiosity. I have always had a great sense of curiosity and to this day I still do. My kids are no exception & as they become more computer savy that will just add to their great knowledge of life. I believe that without communication we would not be able to experience and have a strong family bond or any of the above said values. Having family with mental illnesses presents its own challenges in its self, communication is a very very important. I never learned how to communicate PRODUCTIVELY until a few years into my marriage with the help of my husband and many many therapy sessions later. Now that I know how to communicate it makes being a parent SO MUCH EASIER!! Life got much simpler & I became a much happier person. Communication is a lot more than simply speaking your mind. In addition to spoken words, communication also extends to tone, volume, expression, eye contact, body language and effective listening. I would argue that this is the most important value for families to have. When people feel they can talk openly about anything – hopes, dreams, fears, successes or failures – all without judgment, it’s encouraging and strengthens the bond. Another value I consider to be important is responsibility. In this department, I have to give my parents credit, if anything they taught me how to be responsible. I was always up before the sun, taking care of their animals, then got ready for school, went to school, came home, did chores, homework, did the dinner dishes, shower then bed........day in day out. I had no social life after grade school due to having to be homeschooled because my half sister couldnt go to school because she caused problems & they couldnt afford private school after 3 yrs, I HAD to be home schooled. After the age of ten it was all about my half sister. I was yanked around like a puppet on strings. When I was 18 I couldnt wait to get away and the Army seemed like the right choice. It was. Structure was how I functioned. I knew nothing else. To this day, my husband & I are the most responsible people we know. I take pride in my dedication to making sure everything is taken care of. While my husband lives a life with the responsibility to the Army, we have adapted our own structure of responsibility in our own home. Last but not least its important to have family traditions. This is by far the most fun for me. I think traditions are what make a family unique, they draw people together and create a sense of belonging for everyone. Traditions don’t need to be expensive, elaborate or a lot of work. It can be something as simple as what we do, a lazy Saturday rockin the jammies watchin movies & ordering take out, Sunday when we dont get out of bed or wake up after noon, Thanksgiving when close family comes to dinner, an annual dinner to ring in the new year. If you don’t currently have traditions in your family, create them! We have traditions that our kids love & look forward too.

I've also learned that as an adult you don't have to carry the people into your future that are part of your past. It's ok to become the person that you want to be, have the beliefs that you want to have without fear or judgment from those who think you should do it their way. A last name, bloodline, or siblings related by marriage or 1/2 blood, they don't necessarily earn the title of being a family member. People who don't call, don't write & don't visit have not earned the place in your family to share in the joys and achievements. I have a very close knit family that we talk to on a weekly basis, we see each other 4-5 times a month, they come to our home for holidays, they respect our home & its few rules. We share in the births of babies, festive meals for birthdays & support each other when it feels like no ones in your corner. We do not fight, bicker, make snide remarks, imply any negative connotations, judge or belittle a single member of our family. We are mature and handle our family business in the privacy of our home. I am proud to say I am a hands on mother, in every way I can be, but I also allow my children to develop into their own beings. I do not force any opinion of mine onto them, they make their decisions based on what they have seen and have heard. Our children are very lucky to have a Gramma & Grandpa on the East Coast, Papa & Nanna 20 mins from our house & a Grandma in my home town. That are ALL active participants in their life. They have done what regular families do, by being there for birthdays, Christmas, other holidays. They send cards just because & it means so much to my kids. I am very protective of my children, something I wish I had as a child. Because had I been protected like my children, I would not have been sexually assaulted & sodomized. Everyone always dramatized my 1/2 sisters "traumatic" childhood but nothing was ever said or done about mine which was on so many levels more important to deal with, but decisions people made allowed the criminal to walk free. Thats something they have made me have to deal with.

But in the end, after all the trauma, bad decisions & minimal parenting skills, a beautiful, strong, devoted woman emerged. I want to thank my wonderful husband, Dick & Betty, Bill & Sue, Joyce & Lisa. You have all taught me many great things. Each one building up a part of me making me who I am today. I am a great mother, dedicated army wife & loyal friend. I'd say that having the set building blocks & firm foundation my family is a great one. If you want to be a member of my family, you dont have to be blood related, all you have to is BE ACTIVE with us, leave all judgments at the door, have an open heart & get ready to be loved like never before. We are excited as our little family grows. Family Values are so important. Is your family really a "family" at all??